What your motorcycle says about you

For many motorcyclists, owning a bike is an expression of personal style and taste. Unlike many other forms of transport, a motorcycle can say a lot about you as a person.

Car ownership is often instigated by necessity, so it’s harder to justify that the 18-year-old driving his 1997 Toyota Camry hand-me-down is doing so out of love for the vehicle. But motorcycling often stems from passion, and a bike can been seen as an extension of its owner.

So what does your bike say about you?

From our industry experience and in-depth analysis (talking nonsense in the office mostly), we’ve looked at each category of motorcycle and figured out what the bike says about its owner.

Yes, we might be guilty of stereotyping, but we should all have a laugh at ourselves from time to time. If you take offense, then we’re guessing you own a sportsbike…

Sportsbikes

Sportsbike riders have one thing in mind – speed. Fueled by their bigger-than-life ego (and actual fuel), these youthful blokes fear little in life and seek the thrill of flying down an open road. A feeling of immortality runs through their veins. What Rossi does around the Island, these boys generally do in an 80km zone in the city. When making awkward eye contact with ‘Flashy McGee’ at the lights, it’s hard not to roll your eyes – especially when the light goes green and he blasts off out of view.

What your sports bike says about you: Buying a motorbike was a dream that you had for years. Maybe you were hindered by an old partner (if so, good riddance), or maybe you were waiting for the right moment (like getting your license). You knew that one day you’d own a bike and would ride faster than the wind. Unfortunately for you there are road rules and regulations for your safety. But who needs safety when you’re 25 and invincible, ay?*

*This is complete satire – please ride sensibly, for the love of god!

Tourers

When the hustle and bustle of your younger years has passed, it might be time to embrace the grey nomad lifestyle. Be it a trip through the Australian outback or a cruise across the USA, your tourer is the final puzzle-piece to your retirement plan. Unlike the hotheaded sports bikers, you are fully aware of your mortality and want to make the most of your remaining years.

What your tourer says about you: No amount of hip pain, no matter how severe, is going to stop you from taking life (and some handlebars) by the horns. Some retirees opt for a caravan, but the thrill seeker in you knows that life is short. Sometimes you need to step out of your comfort zone to experience everything the world has to offer.

Cruisers

Cruisers are to tattoos and leather jackets like caravans are to seniors. If you aren’t sure what this might look like, watch an episode of Sons of Anarchy.

What your cruiser says about you: You don’t take anyone’s sh*t.

Adventure bikes

There are two types of adventure bike rider – those too old to break bones riding dirt bikes, and those who were inspired by Ewan and Charley’s Long Way Round trip, and thought it was a good idea to take up motorcycling in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Adventure bike riding is good for the soul and allows you to travel the roads less travelled.

What your adventure bike says about you: Life is one big adventure. Your goal is to ‘live life off the beaten track’ and explore the places most will never see. Alas, you’ll probably spend more time tinkering in the shed than actually riding.

Dirt bikes

When life gets you down, your dirt bike comes into play. You are already excited on Tuesday afternoon by the anticipation of your upcoming weekend ride in the bush. A few scratched up limbs mean you’re doing it right.

What your dirt bike says about you: The thrill of speed, being airborne and the excitement of missing a heartbeat drive you wild. Your adrenaline rush keeps you coming back for a ride through your local track or trail. Warning: dirt bikes and broken limbs are a package deal.

Scooters

A scooter can represent iconic Italian style and a taste for the finer things in life, but in 2022 it’s hard to associate them with anything other than UberEats or Deliveroo. Scooters are practical, easy to ride and very accessible. Many scooter owners have probably never previously ridden a motorcycle.

What your Scooter says about you: You’re a sensible and practical kind of person. The 9-5er who keeps a close eye on the cheapest fuel prices. You may also be living out your Italian fantasy, and might be in need of an intervention.

What bike should I buy?

The truth is, the best bike you can buy is one with two wheels. It doesn’t matter what type of bike you ride, what you wear, or what your helmet hair looks like – if the bike suits your needs and puts a smile on your face, then you’re already winning. Don’t listen to anyone else’s opinion (including bored bikesales journos).