What type of motorcyclist are you?

The beautiful thing about motorcycling is that it is one big happy family. When you purchase your first set of two-wheels, you become part of the community, regardless of your genre.

That said, motorcycling is a pursuit which allows people to express their individuality. No two motorcyclists are the same, and we come in many different types, shapes, sizes and personalities. As with any community, however, there are sub-groups that people often fall into. Call them stereotypes if you will, but they exist.

So which type of motorcyclist are you? We’ve picked out some of the most common motorcycling stereotypes below. Of course, this article is purely satirical and no offense is intended. If you do happen to be offended, then we’ll take it as a compliment – it probably means we were on the money!

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Some might see it as a derogatory term, but we say embrace it. You could argue that Hipsters saved the motorcycle industry by making bikes cool again. Often see riding café racers and scramblers around the ‘cool’ parts of capital cities, Hipsters can be identified by their manicured beards, vintage clothing and their superior choice of café or drinking establishment. The first and only commandment to being a Hipster is to avoid anything ‘mainstream’.

Best Hipster bike: Any type of cafe racer

Like the Hipster, but with more Hollywood swagger – think Steve McQueen or James Dean. A leather jacket, white tee, blue jeans, and Ray-Bans will complete the look, while vintage-style scramblers are the bike of choice. Lighting up a dart, while leaning back against your bike helps too. Sadly, not many can pull this one off – but many people think they can.

Best Vintage bike: Triumph 1200 Scrambler XE

These people decided in their 40s or 50s that it was a good time to learn to ride. They’ve worked hard all their life and have cash to spare, so they buy the biggest and best bike out there. Many watched Ewan and Charley travel the Long Way Round and thought ‘I can do that.’ Of course, it’s not as easy as it looks on television and, more often than not, the bike will sit in the shed while they buy endless amounts of gear and accessories that they read about online.

Best Mid-Life Crisis bike: BMW R 1250 GS Adventure (expectation), BMW G 310 GS (reality)

There are two sub-categories for this one – the old and the new. The old blokes have big white beards and long hair, faded tattoos, and old-school stripped-down Harleys. They lived through the counter-culture of the sixties and seventies when life was oh so free man. The new-age blokes also have tattoos, but they cover every inch of their bodies. They often have shaved heads, wear lots of bling, and sometimes carry bum-bags. The bikes are a lot bigger and flashier too. The common link is that they all ride cruisers, and you wouldn’t want to give them trouble in the street.

Best Bad-to-the-Bone bike: Harley-Davidson Street Bob 114

Knowing their bike inside-out, Enduro Geeks will be able to get themselves out of any mechanical trouble. When they buy a new bike they immediately tinker with every single component. They also watch way too many Chris Birch videos online, and will find the gnarliest hill possible and repeatedly attempt it until it’s conquered. Tough and demanding situations are highly-sought after, and tight loamy single track is mouth-watering. But don’t try and argue with them, because they normally know more than you do – even if they don’t.

Best Enduro Geek bike: KTM EXC 300

Some have brand new bikes and others prefer their old clapped-out 250cc two-stroke. All of them, however, love nothing more than ripping the throttle open and spraying some dirt. Unlike the Enduro Geek, Motocross Punks prefer others to do the mechanical work for them. Alternatively, they just don’t service the bike at all. Tattoos, flat caps (ears tucked in), and a Ford or Holden ute plastered with energy drink stickers are essential. Having some vague connection to surf culture is a good bet too. And don't forget to overestimate your ability.

Best Motocross Punk bike: A clapped-out mid-2000s two-stroke is always good

Unlike the Mid-Life Crisis riders, the Grey Nomads have experience – a lot of experience. They have been riding the highways since before your parents were born, and now that they are free of the shackles of employment, they just want to explore the world. Of course, grey hair covered by a bandana is common, as is a leather jacket covered in patches from various parts of the world. Ginormous touring bikes are the tool of choice, and these road warriors use pristine camp grounds and rural pubs for accommodation. Usually, they’ll have their partner on the back, though it’s not unusual to see couples riding matching bikes.

Best Grey Nomad bike: Honda GL1800 Goldwing

Faster than the speed of sound, these riders live life one twisty mountain road (or a busy freeway) at a time. The Doctor (Rossi, that is) is their God, and they usually have the flashiest and fastest bike around (at least in their own mind). Rules are simply a minor inconvenience, and most will wear their high-end leathers just to go down the shops to buy milk.

Best Valentino Rossi bike: Yamaha YZF-R1

This rider is Mr/Mrs Sensible. The commuter loves motorcycles, but their primary purpose of owning one is simply to get to work and back. They could drive their car, but motorcycling makes them a tad cooler, and it gets them their quicker and with less cost. That said, their bikes aren’t always the coolest – they choose sensible machines that are economical, easy to ride in traffic, and affordable. Forget twisty mountain roads; this rider’s playground is bumper-to-bumper traffic at peak hour on Punt Road. Does life get any better?

Best Commuter bike: CFMoto 650NK

If the commuter is Mr Sensible, then the Delivery Rider is the exact opposite. Needing a second source of income, these riders decided that the likes of Uber Eats and Deliveroo would be a sure bet. Of course, a cheap clapped-out scooter will do the trick, and a kid’s bicycle helmet is the only safety gear you need. Forget gloves, shoes or eye protection – they will merely slow you down. It’s important also to mount your phone on your handlebars and check the delivery app as much as possible – even while accidentally swerving into the opposite lane. And headlights and taillights? Who needs ‘em. Just make sure you get the delivery done on time, even if it means giving the customer the wrong order. I wanted a large fries, not small.

Best Delivery Rider bike: Suzuki Address 110

Better grab a cuppa and settle in – this one might take a while…

Best Back-In-My-Day bike: Anything free of modern technology. A old British twin is a good bet

So, what type of motorcyclist are you? Let us know in the comments...

This article was originally published on July 13, 2021.