Acerbic comment: why I hate Teslas and plastic bags

We use to hate Volvos. For decades. I’m old now but I can remember when I was young and hating Volvos.

Initially I didn’t even know why, we just hated Volvos. We all hated Volvos.

I used to ride with a guy who had a Laverda; he also had a really pretty girlfriend we all called Mushroom (for obvious reasons). Now, Mushroom had a Volvo, and my mate Warwick decided that she should sell it, so they advertised it in the paper (as you used to do then) and waited for the phone to ring.

So the first bloke rang up my mate answered the phone to a tirade: “You the bloke who’s got the Volvo,” said the bloke on the other end. “Yeah I’ve got the Volvo,” said Warwick. “Well you’re a friggin Volvo-driving idiot and you don’t deserve to be on the road!” Or words to that effect with a few more expletives…

The bloke hung up and my mate didn’t have time to tell him that he was in fact a motorcyclist and it was his girl who had the Volvo. Anyway, they sold the Volvo, but it upset him a lot and he ended up hating Volvos more.

So why did we hate Volvos? I guess because they were billed as the 'World’s Safest Car' and the drivers who bought them were older folks or more conservative people who you wouldn’t describe as the world’s best drivers. But because they were in the World’s Safest Car they were, well, safe. And they couldn’t be hurt so they could barge around with impunity.

Hence, they bowled over an in proportionate number of motorcyclists and so we hated ‘em. Forever.

But Volvo got smart and turned our hatred around with a clever ad campaign about Bloody Volvo Drivers and we found it kinda funny and our mindset started to change. Hell, even a very popular motorcycle magazine had a Volvo as a staff car – sign-written with the name of the mag and all!
So our hatred waned.

But I reckon there’s a new contender. The Tesla.

The Tesla is an ultra-expensive dodgem car that runs on electricity. It’s safe, it’s semi-autonomous (meaning it drives itself) and the only people who can afford them are older folks or more conservative people who you wouldn’t describe as the world’s best drivers. Is there a pattern forming?

Add to that the fact that these cars are whisper quiet and smooth and very well insulated, meaning that the driver is totally disassociated from the outside world, and you’ve got a real problem. Add a few tracks of Brahms from Classic FM, and Old Mate inside wouldn’t know if he was on the freeway or at home in his Jason Recliner!

So Teslas are the new Volvos. But this is not some hypothesis from a grumpy old motorbike rider. No, this is borne in FACT!

I have a commute to work of 50km each way, mostly on a notorious Melbourne freeway and I’ve nearly been cleaned up by a Tesla not once, not twice, but three bloody times! The last of which was just this arvo as I write this!

Now, to me that’s no coincidence. There aren’t that many friggin Teslas in Melbourne to have three try to wipe you out since they were launched about three seconds ago. And it’s not that they can’t see me. I ride a very big, very red bike with two headlights hard-wired on. Have a bloody look and you can’t miss me.

So what do we have to do to try to make these cocooned clowns in their electric blankets pay more attention on the road? We’re not allowed to make more noise so they can hear us, and they certainly can’t be educated to look around more, so maybe they need all-around cameras with uber-loud warnings that a motorcyclist is approaching from behind – or maybe the Powers That Be should make them fully autonomous so that the car looks around and takes the responsibility from the Bloody Tesla Drivers!

As for the plastic bags, I got one wrapped around my header pipe that gave me the shits too. Probably thrown out the window by a Tesla driver!